Tuesday 5th January 2016 is a day I will not forget in a hurry, it was the day I returned to The Royal Marsden to meet Dr Roeche and get the treatment plan news for my newly removed breast cancer. Having returned on Christmas Eve to get the results that they had got all the cancer out when they did the operation on the 15th December so I could have a good Christmas and that I certainly did.
I was told that I couldn’t go on holiday and that hit the hardest. Already from being diagnosed to the operation has been hard but, I was planning a nice holiday during or after treatment which was expected to be a few weeks but sadly this was not to be the case and it will be September before I can plan that trip.
The second blow was that I would be signed off work – bollocks to that I said, and I basically told them to measure me up and get the box ready because if they took that off me I would have nothing to work too. I don’t think they realised just how head strong I am and whereas I will not do anything to jeopardise me treatment if I can work then I work.
The reality however, was that the tumour was bigger on inspection so grade 3 which is the biggest and it was stage 2 cancer and not stage 1 as initially thought. So, treatment would be more intense and that I would be starting in two weeks. It would be 6 to 8 months of chemo every 3 weeks and then a bout of radio therapy for a month to prevent the breast cancer spreading. Then, I would need a further month of radiotherapy having decided I didn’t want a further operation unless life threatening for the nymph nodes. Why, because one had been cancerous and this is where it can spread.
What did I think after the Dr told me? It was shock as not what I had imagined. But, more importantly ‘fear’, but I kept my head together and heard my mother saying ‘for goodness sake keep it together’. I went home and that evening as I sat on the sofa with my boyfriend I did have a few tears but shielded him as he didn’t really sign up for this but I have to say has been an amazing rock and for that I love him. I do have to tell myself that whereas we have only been together for 4 months we have in fact known each other for over 30 years.
I know that if I want to cry I must cry, if I want to scream to scream and most importantly if I want to be alone to not feel guilty and friends and family will have to get over it.
For a while, I need to become selfish to think only about myself to stay healthy, eat healthy and stay positive. This will be achieved with my positive healing music that Nadya introduced to me and my healing hippo that sits by my bed which she also gave to me.
When they told me about the chemo and needing a cold cap, I was like, well I will loose my hair so what does that matter. However, I will be signing up to the cold cap as I have heard of people who just loose eye brows, well that would be one to save on threading! However, I am going to go and have my hair cut in preparation but not bother to colour and then if I loose it, when it comes back maybe I will come back as a fiery redhead – ooh that would be fun!
The most important think now is to laugh and continue living my life as it is not a death sentence just merely a few months of my life where I need to put my life in the professional’s hands and stay focused and know I will be coming out at the end a strong individual.
To all my friends you have all been amazing and for that I can only say a huge thank you and this is just the start of a journey that will be full of experiences but I know I have you behind me wherever you are.